long time...

yes i know.

for all you um 2 1/2 ppl that read this.

if u care to start up on my new drama/bullshit

http://chloesullivan86.livejournal.com/

is my new journal. This one had too many memories of well... pain.

Ugh. Again. Seriously Christine STOP.

So i like him... not alot but i like him... and he is the HARDEST person to understand. I know he likes me but i just cant figure out how much... sometimes hes all over me and sometimes hes ignoring me... (aka last nite) 

aparently it was because i was 'curt and short' on the phone...wtf is that supposed to mean!?

Im really not likeing things about him, and i know i need to talk to him about it... im walking into disaster and i know it. 

Why is it that i feel used all of a sudden?

Whoa.  Like Whoa. Seriously WHERE did that message come from?! No where. I was all fine and dandy and then "DING". I think i almost killed Chantel and Val- and i slammed on my breaks in front of a COP cause i was so shocked.

 So after Tuesdays drama, it was nice to hang out with a bunch of people without stupid stress. So Alisha picked me and Carlie up and we met at chantels for poker night... Greg V, Tessa, Brad, Chad, Val, Courtney, etc showed up and we had a HUGE poker game. i was howling and stealing chantels chips. Aubree called and her and travis showed up for a while too.  I went outside for a bit and Alisha and Carlie were there... so we vented. Mostly about our strupid guy friends... and established that if a guy sleeps with a gurl when he barely knows her that the girls becomes somewhat less attractive to the guy. Chad and Brad came out and we asked them what they thought... and Brad just goes 'akward!' and walks in the house. We just HOWLED.

Then chantel and i taught Val the 'saturday night dance' after more ppl left. I had a sweet talk with Val about Smallville and the AMAZING season finale (even when i fell off the bed when Chloe kissed Clark). So after Aubree and Travis left at like 3 am i announced i was hungry... so Val had drank a lot so i drove her car all the way to st. kitts for mcdonalds (that makes 4 times now in 2 days... whoa like cow) 

So im driving home and Val says 'chris u have a text message' I open my phone and slamm on the breaks. WTF where did THAT come from? chantels freaking out and vals laughing cuz a cop was right beside us. 

Its nice to know ive been missed...i smiled. Not that anything will ever become of us, just cuz of stupid stuff... butt im glad that im at least getting thought of once in a while. The rest of the messages were cute. My heart smiled. 

So we came home... fell asleep through ella enchanted... and woke up to stupid conmstruction men banging and stupid crap. Ugh.  So Friday is Arizonas for James bday... Carlie and i decided that since hes been a big headed loserface lately, were gonna get him SO drunk and find some girl for him to dance with and watch him be retarded. Mean? Yes. But James needs a kick in the head sometimes... plus its his birthday... he wont remember it. Then i work saturday till 11, and sunday till 8. Hmm... maybe ill go to the movies. Any takers?

You never looked so good 
As you did last night 
Underneath the city lights 
There, walking with your friend 
Laughing at the moon 
I swear you looked right through me 
But I'm still living with your goodbye 
And you're just going on with your life 

[Chorus] 
How can you just walk on by 
Without one tear in your eye 
Dont you have the slightest feelings left for me? 
Maybe thats just your way 
Of dealing with the pain 
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall 
Like we never loved at all 

You, I hear you're doing fine 
Seems like you're doing well 
As far as I can tell 
Time, is leaving us behind 
Another week has passed 
And still I haven't laughed yet 
So tell me what your secret is 
To letting go, letting go like you did 

[Chorus] 
How can you just walk on by 
Without one tear in your eye 
Dont you have the slightest feelings left for me? 
Maybe thats just your way 
Of dealing with the pain 
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall 
Like we never loved at all 

Did you forget the magic? 
Did you forget the passion, oh 
And did you ever miss me? 
And long to kiss me 

Oh baby, baby 
Maybe that's just your way 
Of dealing with the pain 
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall 
Like we never loved at all  

Wow. So much drama last night... and it didnt have anything to do with me once. 

All i did was dance my heart away with Alisha when i come outside and i find out ppl got in fist fights, got kicked out and were crying outside.

Boys are worse than girls. Jeze.

My friends are so funny tho... Alisha and i had some laughs about it when i dropped her off... Something always happens. 

I had a pretty good time tho- even tho i was sober... 2nite? POKER!

"drama drama drama"

Lmao.

Today was a reminder of WHY i became a lifeguard. 

Ive worked the past two nights, but i got called in tonight cause Jen's relative passed away. So i got there at 7 and Jeremy wanted to take a break before Lorraine left. My last words to him "If i have to go in now- you are dead" just cuz i went in last night when Michelle was on break.

So yes- i had to go in. This large lady went down and lost her footing (she was kinda over weight) and couldnt stand up.... so i jumped in and grabbed her and lifted her up. She didnt realize i was helping her and she struggled but i managed (some how) to lift her up and told her she was ok.

Her sister was HOWLING at her, and realizes then that she was drowning and isnt sure whether she should laugh or cry.  She said if i wasnt there she would have just let her drown because she didnt realize she was actually drowning. Then she thanked me and statred crying because she was so thankful that i saved her sister- that she didnt want to finish this vacation alone because she had to bury her sister when she was here.

She came back twice to thank me. 

Then a man came over and said he saw and said it was a tremendous rescue- and he was surprised a tiny person like me could lift such a heavy woman. 

Boancy? 

I smiled. But i was wet for the remaining 4 hours of the shift.

I strated a blog... and got to three pages before i just couldnt do it any more. It hurt too much. I cried too much.

So im going to sum it all up.

Im so sick and tired of all this fucken bullshit. Seriously. I have so much pent up rage, and hostility towards ALOT of people... but yet i put on this happy face and keep my mouth shut. Im going to snap on someone soon.

on my mom... on dave...on everyone. 

The problem? Im too fucken nice. I dont have the guts to say what i really want to say. I can't just open my mouth and say...

"Im sick of you making me feel like you 'at your convience g/f"
"Im sick of you pretending your life is so much better without me in it"
"Im sick feeling like your feelings were just a phase"
"Im sick of you not seeing ME for ME"
"Im sick of being invisible to you"
"Im sick of being treated like i was the worst person ever"
"Im sick of being treated like nothing was ever good enough for you"

Im.
fucken.
sick.
and.
tired.

Fuck.

Will... please help me here. Give me the strength not to go mental. Help me find the people that care, and see me for me. You did. I miss you...and really need you, more than anyone understands.
Frig.

This was all for nothing.

There fore i give up.

On you. on me. on this. 

Good. Bye.

Ugh... i hate it when people tell me things about you.
I have how you act around me. I hate how you leave me just so damn confused. I hate it how your friends tell me one thing, you tell me another, and i see another thing.

If i hear 'your my girl' come out of your mouth one more time- ill shove my foot so far up your ass you'll be able to tie my shoelaces with your tongue. But who knows id id actually want your tongue even touching my shoelaces now. 

Seriously. Make up your damn mind already and stop playing with mine. I deal with that way more than i deserve. I try to stay away- but SOMEHOW i cant.

Frig. Things suck. Royally. Crying like every fucken day is probably not a good thing.

What ever.

We were 18 and on our own
when we hit the gas for adentures unknown
even when we were 5 i helped her when she would fall
and nothing much else really mattered at all

I knew what happened when she got that scar
and how we almost all died in her car
bathroom secrets spilled into the dark
and every memory is piece of my heart

It's a lullaby
Its a beautiful life
and its sings me to sleep almost every night
so i hold it close
and i hide it away
thats how i keep it from going astray
love doesnt need a rhyme or a reason to be
this is the story of her and me

We grew up fast in a few short years
we littered the path with tracks of our tears
but we wrote our thoughts on the wonderland wall
and nothing much else matters at all


We earnd every line in our twenty years
we cried over boys and we laughed through our tears 
i wouldnt trade the girl for a song
she lets me know right where i belong

'photograph' dancing,  lesbian angels in the snow
getting dumped and eating raw cookie dough      
buying bacon at the liquor store
strange, now nobody knows me more
                                                                                                  
Its a lullaby
its a beautiful life
and it sings me to sleep most every night
So i always hold it close
and i hide it away
thats how i keep it from going astray
love doesnt need a rhyme or a reason to be
this is the story of her and me

this is the story of her and me

Frig. 

words of wisom? when you dont think you have drunk goggles on. You do. I dont care how much i tried to tell myself  i wasnt that drunk last night- i was. There is no way he looked like that last night compared to seeing him tonight. Crooked teeth make me cringe. 

Stupid bad lighting at bucks... 

Chelsea laughed at me for 10 minutes... but not before she howled at me for stepping on the dead bug barefoot as she is yelling across the pool to watch out for it. 

"It happens at the Hilton"

I need a vacation.

I guess i waste no time. 

Way to go slut.

I  have never cried so much in the last 3 days then i have in my entire life.

I need to get away. I need out. Now. This is all too much to handle.

But not after lifehouse concert on June 14th...then NYC on the 15th.

Then im gone...born to run. Its all moms fault... she played that song too much for me as a kid.

sensless useless drama. 

fuck. seriously.


aaaaaand i hate it when people bitch about things THEY hate when they do the same thing. 

"Fuck- stupid people saying stupid shit when they are drunk pisses me off cuz its all pretty much bull shit"

yup. Im pretty sure all YOU say is bull shit when your drunk. eat your words idiot.

I spend too much of my time in a state of passive dread. Just waiting for something bad to happen. In a life like this- relief is as close as i get to happiness. I used to look at pictures so often, that i would pull out every nuance in the memory- every meaning, every drop of emotion. I sucked them so dry that im surprised they didn't burst into powder. I remember the joy every time i saw him- life so full of potential. I remember the multitude of fresh unfelt feelings that made each meaning feel like the first. 

But thats all over. Every memory put into a box and placed neatly on a shelf. Its time to move on, and to quit dwelling on the "what could have been's" or things that could have been different. The truth is- i did all i could. I said what i felt- and went above and beyond what i should have.

That stops here. Now. 

I deserve better than you.
I deserve happiness, and that isn't with you.
You don't see me standing right in front of you because you are too busy trying to find a girl at the bottom of the bottle.
She isn't there idiot. Have fun drowning in it searching. 

Their are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.

Im glad i didnt. All it would be is an emotional turmoil- and im far better than that. Im better than you. Im better than this.

So thats my new epiphany. Im sticking to it- and following through.

Something you don't know how to do.

Will i need you. 

Please help me. 

Please?

The past 24 hours have sucked worst than ever.

My parents are mental.
My sisters are retarded.
My love life if a piece of shit.
my work is meaning less
and i feel like im drowning. 

nothing is going right. 

i feel like screaming, like throwing something, like breaking something. and i cant. and i feel even worse.

fuck you. all of you.

Fuck. You.


Thats all im saying.

No more head games.
No more yoyo.
Im through. Especially with you.


im better than this. im better than you.

I want someone whos crazy about me.
I want someone who thinks about me.
I want someone who can't wait to see me.
I want someone who can't stop kissing me.
I want someone who misses me.
I want someone to get butterflies.

I was re reading old journals, and on New Year's when Dave showed up, he wrapped me in a huge hug- kissed me and said he cant believe he just went 4 days without seeing me. 

So it got me thinking... if dave really and TRUELLY was seious about wanting what he said Tuesday night... hed act on it right? I see ho crazy James is about Alisha, and even how much Chris was crazy about chantel last night. THATS what i want. Not 'waiting to see what happeneds'. My life is spontaneous...and i shouldnt have to wait. I shouldnt be the one making all the effort. 

If he cant think with his heart instead of his head... then i cant be expected to be with someone like that when im doing just the opposite. 

Sometimes its now or never. No time outs. No second chances. 

I hope he sees that.

Ugh. 

I am so sick. Seriously i feel like i was hit by a bus. It just hit me yesterday all of a sudden and got worse. Last night i was tossing and turning and hallucinating. Pretty sure i had a fever, cuz when i woke up i was drenched in sweat. 

Guh. I have to take an exam today that i havent even studied for. Fuck.